Looking back to see…



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“I was looking back to see If you were looking back to see If I was looking back to see If you were looking back at me.You were cute as you could be Standing looking back at me And it was plain to see That I’d enjoy your company.~ From the song “Looking back to see” by Jim Ed Brown & Maxine Brown

I’ve kept all my calendars since senior year of High School when I moved out on my own. They are placeholders in time. Notes and clues scribbled in the little numbered squares. A voyeur’s voyage into my past. The ‘who’ I was and the goings on in my life. My mind wanders as I look over the worn and tattered collection that I’ve hauled around with me since I was 18. It is interesting to see what I had recorded. What trinkets of my young life that I had felt the need to track; work hours, the guys I thought were cute, when I’d gone to my favorite coffee shop, what albums I bought or later on during the years of my first marriage when I tracked our sex life with little symbols that represented the health of our union; to be sure the passion wasn’t waning and/or becoming too one sided.

That was over 30 years ago and today… Well, today as I am entering into my second childhood; having reached the ripe ‘old age’ of 50. I record what we eat for dinner each night, because it helps me remember what I did that day!  I’ve tried to keep journals, but they keep getting started and dropped and started again and lost and on and on … I failed to fill them once the newness of the twitterpated honeymoon phase had worn off and I’d tarnished the clean white pages with ink scribbles from my chaotic thoughts.

Wow… I guess keeping a journal is a good way of showing that you can keep a commitment! Never thought about it like that before.

Journals are for our own entertainment. They don’t have to be some fancy pretty thing that sits on a shelf, although that’s a little more romantic, all you need is a plain  notebook (ruled or blank). I prefer the “un”ruled ones, like the insubordinate rebel that I am. My preference is the artist’s sketch book, which allows me the freedom to play around with my thoughts. Using all kinds of colors, scribbling and pasting in mementos. All you really need is whatever book or paper format you find connection with that will make you want to put a “start” date on the front of, leaving a space where the “through” date will be entered, once the journal is full.

Archive it on your bookshelf of LOVE. That’s right. You heard me! Your bookshelf of everything you LOVE

Ah-Ha!  I think I just may have found my new procrastination tool! This one though, will help me to limit my procrastination and become a real TOOL for success, instead of another source of distraction and self-destruction!

Isn’t it interesting where your mind wanders to? I started with a lyric from a song that my Grandma used to sing and ended up realizing that the power of a journal, in relation to a commitment, is like a relationship. I guess keeping a journal is a good way of showing that you can keep a commitment! Never thought about it like that before! It’s interesting to me, but I’ve never thrown out my journals, I’ve just never finished them. Kinda like my relationships throughout high school & college. Floating from one relationship to the next. I’ve never thrown away my love for the boyfriends I dated, I just moved on. My breakups were never heated angry words of passion or pain, they were just unanswered calls or literally my ‘moving’ on.  Moving to a new place to live, a new city or town, even simply across town.

Now, in this time, we have many social media options as a way to connect to our past lives to our present. I have befriended those previous loves, who when we messaged each other would, (Yes, Each & Every One of them) ask me:  “Whatever happened to us?” or “Why didn’t we ever get married?” There were no immediate answers, I would just reply: “I think we drifted apart”!   Hmmmm… as I reflect now, I think… I don’t know, but I think that I did just the same with them… I drifted away…..

My breakups were never heated angry words of passion or pain, they were just unanswered calls or my literally my “moving” on.

Back in my youth, we didn’t have all the social connectivity that we have now. One could disappear and re-invent themselves to be whatever they wanted! Not really a luxury afforded to our youth today. How will they ever find options for escaping “who they were” to become “who they (might) want to be”?

Speaking of social media, I’ve found that I waste a lot of time there, procrastinating… So, maybe trying once again to journal, with this newly found awareness of commitment, Ah-Ha! I think I just may have found my new procrastination tool! Only this one will help me to limit my feckless procrastination on social media and become a real TOOL for success, instead of another source of distraction and self-destruction!!


The Dangers of Dreaming

Time invested in reading Caleb Epley’s thoughts on dreaming is well worth the cost. The added value to your pondering thoughts will enlighten your wandering mind.



You see it written on the social media bios of millennials everywhere:

I have wanderlust.

The phrase has become pretty ubiquitous lately. And it’s one of my biggest pet peeves.

There’s nothing wrong with the idea, in and of itself. It signals an “intense desire to travel.” And since extended traveling has been shown to improve things like openness, extroversion and emotional stability, you can’t really fault someone for liking it.

But for many people, traveling is not just something they like. They have to lust for it. It’s like the idea becomes Christian Grey. They want it to pin them up against the wall, douse their back in candlewax and call them a filthy slut.

And in essence, that’s what having “wanderlust” can do to your self-esteem.

Riddle me this: If your desire to travel is so strong that you’re literally lusting for it, then what stops you from…

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Orgasm, Enlightenment, Bliss!


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To the average person, I ask you: “When was the last time you were living in the moment? In that place where the rest of the world disappears and you fly away on a magic carpet”?

Do you have any sense of where to find that space in time? A place where nothing future exists nor anything past presides? That instant when you were fully here; present; in the now? I would venture to guess that for most of you, I might be able to tell you when that was. Okay, not the actual moment itself, but the experience of it.

It was in that blissful moment of orgasm.

There! I said it, well wrote it, orgasm!

Yes, while climaxing fully into an orgasmic bliss, we think of nothing else for those minutiae of milliseconds, save that beautiful fractal of time where the sole focus of our essence is pure and honest. A climactic peak of pure and ultimate pleasure and release.

The experience of bliss teaches us how to ‘live’ in the moment. Our bodies float ever so briefly in the nothingness of that single breath of time. Inhaling passion and exhaling the calm exhilaration of enlightenment that gives our bodies the ability to sense what it is like to know bliss, to just be. To exist without agenda or expectation.

Reveling in that lingering breath, we keep our eyes closed as long as possible. Our desire to remain in that cosmic blissfulness envelopes us, until the air of reality is breathed back in and our senses restore us to our surroundings. The textures of fabric and/or skin against our skin, the aromas of heated passion wane as our awareness of reality infiltrates our nostrils and the sounds of our everyday existence begin to seep into our awakening consciousness. The grip of orgasm is released into the divine and our lives are once again restored (or resumed) to their normalcy.  The escape and return from and to our external world. Yet, the memory of that breath stirs within us, nurturing our soul and hovering over our mundane with the divine.

Feeling the moment teaches you how to 'live' in the moment.

Feeling the moment teaches you how to ‘live’ in the moment.

Winter twisted by consumerism, creates madness!


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“The glorious colors of autumn! The brilliant glittering vibrancy of fall’s foliage sparkling in the sunrise… and then … the dark descent into the suffering depressing winter… ”
Wait! … What?
No. That’s not right… wait just a moment. Hold it right there!! Depression? Darkness? Noooooo…..
Let’s look at this from the outside, shall we?
Blossoms of pink and yellow and blue reaching up for the sky, which fills our world with color and is then bathed in bright sunshine to a rich nourishing green, that becomes a vibrant fall foliage, extended falsely with colorful man made twinkle lights and decor marketed to us by retailers urging us to “prepare” for Christmas (aka holiday celebrations) which after the New Year’s cheer is followed by weeks of “nothingness” until the vacancy of our solitude further amplifies our loneliness with the focus of Valentines Day and the dance of ‘pre-spring’ mating…. Wait, once again! WHAT?

How is it we have completely lost our sense of seasons? How unaware have we become to the world of nature. Retailers have marketed it from our being, from our essence, from the very source of our connection to the Universe: our soul. We have become pixelated beings.

Halloween is the true “new year”… celebrating the harvest, the bounty, the end of a cycle…. to which all growth begins again…

Like the strawberries out front. Year after Year…. blooming to fruition and dying back to nurture their roots for another season of blossoms and fruit… to provide feasting… Sweet, juicy feasting blending the elements of life!

Winter is not depressing, the unaccepted responsibility of being focused inward and our unwillingness to dutifully nurture our self, that is what is depressing! Bears hibernate, literally. Humans behave without regard for seasons, with the exception of changing our external fabric. We work our daily routines into a season’s weather and holiday schedule. There are no changes, only the observations of changes out our windows.

Is that what it means to be civilized? To behave in conformity to “man” and the beliefs of man’s ever eroding corrupted society? To ignore the cyclical energy of Nature? All life is built upon the never ending cycle of infinity… The sine wave of eternity, twisted.

We are like those strawberries. It is necessary to take this time in winter to nurture our roots. Let the soil rest and wait for Spring to begin it’s bounce around us. Hot & cold, sunny & rainy. We begin to spread our leaves, expand our thoughts, and feel the energy of our activity coursing through our blood. To prepare ourselves for the heat of Summer,  which is just around the corner and yet oh so far away and just beyond that the glory of our Autumn flamboyance. The holidays are like that too. We head into winter’s solitude as brightly as the leaves on the trees. Gloriously lit strands of color wrapped around our homes, weaved into our decor and then packed away in the early weeks of January. Like a windy day hurling the leaves off the trees, we pack away the baubles of color and orbs of delight, awaiting another Season of Holiday Greetings…

This is our time to nurture our souls, our minds, our emotions and our dreams. Collecting and marinating all the passions we keep locked up inside. I love winter’s darkness, because it forces me to slow down and appreciate my own breath. It reminds me of my humanness. That I am part of everything and everything is a part of me. Fighting the natural inclination to “stay in” by “going out” is where we get lost and confused. Trying to maintain a schedule the same in winter as summer is pure madness. Summer infuses us with sunshine, which is the energy that feeds us and keeps us moving. Winter wraps it’s loving blanket of snow all around to remind us to stay connected to our source, our being, our essence.

I ❤ Winter. I ❤ Autumn. I ❤ Summer. I ❤ Spring.